Thursday, July 1, 2010

On finding my path.

So after a lot of things that have been going on in the last few weeks, I think i have some small epiphany to discuss.

I have been feeling low. Unnaturally so for the summer, when my mood is elevated and I am generally manic. I've been praying, reading, contemplating and ignoring at times. But I was speaking with J and it seems to me, that I am most at peace when I am following what I believe is my life's purpose.

What is that purpose? You might ask. Well, I'm not exactly sure. Hence a lot of feelings of being incomplete, unfulfilled, unhappy. What I do know is I love helping people, I love acting/singing and I love crafting. I have absolutely no idea how those things go together to make my path. But I know that when I think about trying, it makes me feel happier.

In the conversation I had with the boy, I related it to choir. When I was in choir, there were times when my ears and my body would hum. I don't know what it's called, but when you are in almost perfect unison with another voice, there is something about your inner ear and your head that seems to "hum" or "buzz". It was a rare feeling, but it was always somehow magical.

I told J that it was this feeling, or a close approximation, that I was looking for. When I do something that uses my skills and am able to give this energy to someone else, my soul "hums". It's a wonderful experience that I have far too rarely.

But I'm like a junkie for it. And when I don't feel it, I get depressed. I question my purpose in life, I feel that I am not living the life I was meant to live.

I am not sure what all of this means, but I do know that when I sit for hours at home on the computer, I feel lonely, sad, depressed. I feel that I've wasted another day I could be trying to bring a little bit of joy to someone. Time I could have been making a sculpture, or performing a monologue or sewing a garment.

I am going to try and spend at least an hour a day creating. I don't really care what it is, or particularly what it looks like when finished. I just need to sing and write and create.

Maybe I might end up with something that brings joy into someone's life.

(P.S. Thanks to Jim Henson, even though you're gone, to remind me it takes "Just One Person".)


  1. I'm totally with you. I've been going through a really low phase right now as well. I'm always thinking that I should be making this or doing that or working on a project but I am still just sitting there. Recently I've felt like I'm being drifting and need a new direction.

    I've come to the realization that I need to focus on a few specific things so that I can hopefully reach my goals. I don't need a completely new direction, just need new dedication for what my goals are.

    I've also come to the conclusion that I should sing more! I miss that feel of being in a choir.

  2. I love that hum in the inner ear. Love it, love it, LOVE IT!!

    I know how you feel, I only ever feel human when I'm singing. I need to sing more.